Why the Government Loves Natural Disasters

KYLE SINGLETON, from my book KYLE’S MAGNIFICENT SCHEME (AND THE TROUBLE IT CAUSES), has many strong opinions. The one that is strongest, though, depends on his mood. He travels around, causing and joining in fights, always trying to enact a scheme that will make him famous (or infamous) throughout the world.

*Kyle’s views do not represent my own—in fact, I find his ideas quite ridiculous—but entertaining.

I wish to point out and highlight several times that I am not a tree-hugging, animal-squeezing, plant-eating eco-freak. I don’t give a damn what happens to dear Mother Earth. If the world wants to stay alive, it has to fight just like anyone else. And it does fight—with hurricanes, floods, drought, and earthquakes. At this point, to keep humans from succeeding in destroying it, it will probably have to fight a lot harder.

Of course, we certainly shouldn’t let it push us around. We (at least those of us with some ounce of intelligence) have the power in this relationship. At this point in the development of the world, nature should not be invading or attacking our homes or workplaces. Engineers and scientists should have gotten together and created structures capable of withstanding whatever it throws at us. At first the cost of materials and construction for such structures will be too expensive for the general population, but new, economical manufacturing processes will be developed as demand rises, and more efficient construction methods will go into effect. In time this will become the standard for new buildings just as carrying a cell phone has become standard for everyone from preteens to grandmas.

If someone had just gotten to work on this years ago we’d all be sitting in our super-safe homes right now, watching news about political scandals and celebrities gone awry instead of yet another special presentation about whole cities crumbling or being washed away and hearing the same tales of woe over and over—which reminds me how glad I am that I don’t watch news.

So why hasn’t this happened? Partly because the public is more interested in crap like 3D TVs and robot hamsters than anything that would be good for them, but mostly because governments, who would have to fund this enterprise, don’t want these buildings to happen. I know this sounds ridiculous—why wouldn’t a leader of the people want to do everything possible to protect his or her citizens?

Simple. Because natural disasters make a leader look good. Governments—especially elected governments—are very needy and insecure. They need people to like them so they can stay in power. The real reason they’re always taking polls and voting is because they can’t make a decision without having someone else to share the blame for it. A natural disaster isn’t caused by anything a government did wrong, but if handled correctly it can boost a reputation immensely when it’s time to send aid. How hard is it to stand up looking sympathetic and promise food, money, soldiers, or whatever else is necessary to make everything better? Other people are responsible for putting those words in action—they can take the blame if it all doesn’t get there as promised. Only a moron could screw this up.

During a disaster other issues and wars are pushed aside for a while and everyone gets to join together singing songs and pretending to love each other. That’s why governments love natural disasters and why we will never live in houses that truly keep us safe.


One thought on “Why the Government Loves Natural Disasters

  1. […] am (Kyle's Magnificent Scheme) Today I’ve decided to let Kyle Singleton take the stage again. Before giving him his moment, though, I thought I’d introduce you to the part of me that […]

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